There were no less than three weddings today, according to my Facebook feed. I liked zero of those status updates. Not that I don’t love weddings or celebrating that a friend found someone in a homeless place. I’m convinced those are the lyrics Rihanna meant to use. The issue is that I view weddings as a zero sum situation, especially if I wasn’t invited. In fact, as soon as I learned the meaning of a “zero sum game,” I realized how many things I think of as such:
- A dollar for you, is one dollar less for me
- Fried mushrooms
- Corner pieces of pizza
I’m not positive, but I think Thomas Malthus‘ theory (that there are a finite amount of resources on Earth) was written after he read the Society page of his local paper.
Perchance you have also seen the trend of people referring to their boo as “my love.” For some reason, this irks me. It’s a slap in the face to the single. What is this love you speak of? I love burritos. Do you love your guy as much as I love burritos? I just want to be clear on the semantics of the verb. So, singles, join me on the campaign to take the pain out of “my love.” Tag your photos of things you love with “my love.” It’s the only way we shall overcome. I have taken to referring to my car as “my love.” Try it. You’ll like it.
One night, likely over whiskey, I was discussing the plight of the single with a buddy. Or maybe it was a female friend? Nevertheless, the discussion followed our diminishing odds of finding someone as we age. If you start with the population in your city, then roughly cut it in half for those of your desired gender, then after age, education, not married already, etc., you realize you have no more than 7 options for potential spouses. This doesn’t even eliminate the trolls those that believe they are a unicorn.
Fear not, fellow singles. I have a solution. Come closer and I’ll tell you. I apologize for the garlic breath; every day I care less and less about keeping myself presentable. (See Facebook feed for my reasons.) There are three options, as I see it:
- Give up and become incredibly materialistic. If you don’t already, give your love to your possessions. Love your city, golf clubs, cookware, or your car. No, not like that. Not spending money on your partner leaves more money for you! So go on, have another round. You deserve it.
- Settle. I won’t dignify this as a real option.
- Wait for the first wave of divorce. This is my favorite. Play the odds my friends. Half of these weddings end in divorce. Only a matter of time.
There is one more potential solution, but it involves a bit more work and is less pessimistic. Instead of obsessing on what you don’t have or what others do have, start on a path to loving yourself. Start with a plant. Water it. Watch it grow. Take pictures of it and put them on Instagram. Then, fish. Feed them. Bring them to work. Take them for walks. Be that guy.
Goal of 2013: Do more of what you love. Try new things. Just be sure to not post them on Facebook for me to see.
Some philosopher probably said something about loving yourself or knowing yourself, but if I intend on being in bed by 10, I need to finish this post and don’t have time for research.